After hearing about this book towards the end of last year, I put it at the very top of my “Must Reads” list for 2024 (much to the dismay of all of the unread books in my bookshelf). As someone who loves hosting and is just a few short months away from the biggest hosting gig of her life (my wedding), I was immediately drawn to what kind of gathering wisdom this book would introduce me to.

I finished this book in a week (this is impressive for me, okay?). As a couple who wants to prioritize our guests’ experiences as much as our own, this book was chock-full of the exact kind of tips and tricks I’ve been craving (and lacking) from the wedding world. In an industry that tends to emphasize the importance of visual aesthetics like florals, signage and decor, author Priya Parker instead focuses her attention on the real details that make a gathering — the people we invite, the space we hold them in, the rules we should put in place — and shows us how these details play a make-or-break part into your gathering.

So, I took notes. A lot of notes. And I’m going to tell you about my biggest takeaways from the book and how I’m incorporating those things into our wedding day.

The Importance of Choosing Your Venue

“The room is doing 80% of the job.”

“First, you determine your venue, and then **your venue determines which you gets to show up**. If figuring out your guest list is about deciding who best helps you fulfill the purpose of your gathering, figuring out the venue is about deciding how you want to nudge those chosen few to be the fullest versions of themselves and the best guests. […] Your choice of venue is one of the most powerful levers over your guests’ behaviors.”

Choosing your wedding venue is so much bigger than choosing what looks nice or will properly hold the amount of people you want to invite. The type of space you hold your wedding at can also have an impact on how you and your guests behave.

For example, if you want a night of luxury so your guests can feel swanky and elegant, you might choose a historic estate or chateau. If you want your day to have more of an elevated campout feel, you might choose your local botanical garden or a place like Under Canvas. If you want the feeling of being in a cozy, familiar space, you might choose your childhood backyard or your favorite restaurant. Regardless of what you’re going for, make sure that your venue matches the energy you’re trying to give and how you want your guests to feel.

For us, we wanted to prioritize a few different things:

We wanted to be outdoors, specifically in the desert. So many of our memories and relationships — both between ourselves and with our guests — have been centered around the outdoors. We wanted to share this big moment in nature to mimic the feeling of childhood camping trips we’ve taken with family, road trips to National Parks with friends, or just simple cookouts in peoples’ backyards.
We wanted everyone to be able to stay on property. We’re big fans of adult sleepovers, and we loved the idea of having everyone in the same space so we could easily bop around to hang out with our favorite people throughout the weekend. Plus, guests are able to have a little more fun (and stay out a little later) when they don’t have to worry about how they’re going to get home at the end of the night.

So with these things in mind, in addition to two important notes from the book —

“Studies show that simply switching rooms for different parts of an evening’s experience will help people remember different moments better.”

“People instinctively seek out smaller spaces as the group dwindles in order to sustain the level of density.”

— we opted for four different locations. First, a pre-wedding happy hour at the local cidery, where everyone would be able to meet and get to know one another in a more casual setting (over our personal beverage of choice, a crisp cider). On the following day, a ceremony at a nearby state park, to share our vows in the outdoors and to give our guests the opportunity to see the incredible landscapes of New Mexico. Next, a reception on the hotel lawn, to imitate the feeling of backyard dinners we love doing so much at home. And to cap off the night, an after party at the hotel bar, thoughtfully held in the smallest space possible to encourage more conversation between our guests.

The Kindness of Exclusion

“Here is what the skilled gatherer must know: in trying not to offend, you fail to protect the gathering itself and the people in it. […] By closing the door, you create the room. Excluding others creates a safe space not only for you, but for the people you include.”

The most common complaint I hear from couples planning weddings is about the struggle of narrowing down their guest list. And believe me, I get it. When you sit down to plan one of the most important days of your life, there are so many people outside of your normal circle to consider — the people you grew up with, people you went on that life-changing trip to Europe with, school friends, work friends, family friends who helped raise you, etc.

It’s difficult to say no, especially when certain people are expecting or feel entitled to an invite. Exclusion is never easy and can hurt feelings, but it can also serve as a kindness to those you have chosen to include. For us, this meant choosing people who really knew us — no estranged family members, old friends we barely speak to, or random plus ones. We wanted to intentionally spend our limited time with the people who have been there throughout our relationship rather than going around passing introductions.

It also meant excluding people (yes, even close family) who posed a threat to the safe space we wanted to build — or in harsher words: no racists, sexists, or homophobes.

And most importantly, we invited those we knew without question would be there.

In summary, here were our guidelines:

They have to have met both of us at least three times, whether in person or over the phone. There will be no introductions between the two of us and any of our guests because everyone invited will know us, and we them.
We have had a conversation with them in the last year — a meaningful one, not just in passing.
They will add to the safe space we are providing for our diverse group of guests. We want everyone to be able to express themselves freely and without judgement.
If we had to question even for a second that they wouldn’t come (excluding any serious reasons, of course), they probably shouldn’t be invited.

When we took one final look at our guest list, we were so excited. There wasn’t a single name on the list that gave us anxiety or pause, and I hope when you look at your guest list, you feel that way too. You only get to do this day (an expensive one, at that) once. Make it count.

Connecting Your Guests

“One measure of a successful gathering is that it starts off with a higher number of host-guest connections than guest-guest connections and ends with those tallies reversed, far in the guest-guest favor. […] Fuse your guests, turn a motley collection of attendees into a tribe. A talented gatherer doesn’t hope for disparate people to become a group. She makes them a group. […] Introduce people to each other a lot. But take your time with it.”

If you’re like us, you have friends in a lot of separate circles, but rarely do those circles come together. Our wedding will be the first time many of these groups will meet one another, and we will be doing our best to make sure it won’t be the last.

Like I said earlier, we are prioritizing our guests’ experiences as much as our own — building connections is a big part of that. We love all of our friends and family so much, we want them to love each other too. If we do this right, all of our guests will leave with 5+ new friends by the end of the weekend.

Here’s our evil plan:

Like I mentioned before, we are hosting a pre-wedding happy hour on the night before our wedding.
Here, we will be handing out personalized “connection cards.” On each card, every person will have three people we want to “introduce” them to along with some info on who they are, topics to ask them about, as well as our reason why we think they’d make good friends.

We know we won’t have enough time to introduce everyone, so this is our cheat-sheet way of getting our friends to meet each other on their own, giving them a list of fun topics so they can skip the small talk, and blend all of our little families into one.

A post-wedding note: They were a hit! Jeffrey and I had the best time watching all of our favorite people run around and introduce themselves to one another (we didn’t have to lift a finger!). Even guests who had come alone knowing no one in the group left that night with a few extra friends, which made our wedding day all the more fun.
In lieu of a guest book, we will have postcards laid out in the greenhouse for guests to write on. Rather than having guests write the usual throwaway phrases that typically show up in a guest book like “happy wedding day!” or “wishing you a happy marraige!”, we’ll encourage more meaningful letters by including prompts like “tell us about your favorite person you met this weekend” or “tell us your favorite memory from this weekend.” Our hope is that we’ll get to relive our wedding when we read these back, and maybe hear about some of the connections that were made.

Honoring and Awing Your Guests

“When you awe as a host, you are in a sense putting yourself (and your gathering) above your guest. When you honor, you are placing your guest above you. When you do both at once, you end up making your guests feel like valued members of a club to which they have no business belonging.”

Most people will tell you that your wedding day is all about you. And it is, to an extent. But what often gets forgotten is that the guests — the people who raised you, supported you, and loved you — should be celebrated too.

There is a reason you chose to invite these people. You could have eloped, after all. But instead, you chose to have a gathering that included these select group of people. In doing so, you asked them to spend their time (and money, probably) to come celebrate you; and in return, you should keep them in mind when making certain decisions for your wedding to make them feel loved and included too.

Here are some of the small ways we are honoring our guests:

We spent the last year collecting polaroids of all of our guests, a snapshot of a shared memory. We intentionally tried to take these photos on their highlight moments of the year — birthdays, weddings, graduations, vacations, the birth of their first child. Our hope is that as guests are seated at their tables, they’ll ask one another about their polaroids, and they’ll get to share about their highlights from the last year.
Along with their polaroid, we will also have a handwritten note for each guest. We want everyone to know that their invitation wasn’t given by accident — we so carefully chose a select group of people who have been there for us throughout our relationship and made a real impact on our lives. We know we won’t have the time to tell everyone in person how much they mean to us, so we are choosing to tell them in letter form instead.
Each song on our cocktail hour / dance playlist was chosen with our guests in mind. We are slowly composing a playlist with songs that remind us of each of our guests, and hope that when they inevitably hear their song, it’ll spark a memory.
In honor of my mom, I will be wearing the same hanbok my mom wore on her wedding day after the ceremony.
My grandma, who was supposed to be my flower girl, passed away a year ago. In honor of her, I will be carrying her vintage pink clutch with me throughout the day. The clutch will be filled with her favorite origami stars, along with a photo of her from her own wedding day.

Honoring and awing your guests doesn’t always require a big, showy display of affection. It can be as simple as intentionally spending 1-2 minutes with each guest to express your gratitude for them showing up. They are giving you their time, so make sure to give yours in return.

What I Learned from “The Art of Gathering”, and How We’re Incorporating It Into Our Wedding